I’ve been debating whether or not to write posts regarding my workplace on the site since everything is pretty much open to the public. I very much doubt my employer would be a fan of me meticulously listing the shenanigans they get up to on a daily basis. Granted, the odds of them finding this are astonishingly small considering this site’s main traffic the past few months has been Google Image Searches for memes and “anaphase picture human body,” which I suppose is what I get for choosing the name I did. However, over the last year or so the company has woken up to social media and the Internet as a whole and has realized that there are in fact people here and they do talk about the company’s products and/or services! What a revelation it was for them! Keeping that in mind, I’ve decided that I will write about them, but the names will be changed to protect the innocent me. This first post will serve to set the stage and introduce the cast of characters that act out this sad farce each and every day. Without further ado, I present to you my continuing adventures at…
Fatuous University!
Cast of characters:
Selena – The supervisor of our band of miscreants. Somewhat of a rogue, sometimes she’s good, sometimes she’s evil.
Edward – Selena’s superior. He is largely preoccupied with other duties and its doubtful he knows who we are.
Galactus – The destroyer of worlds! Also runs the whole show. This genderless monster is completely unfeeling and uncaring to our plight, despite its attempts to appear as if it gave even the tiniest shit about any of us.
Hal – He’s almost as cool as he thinks he is and overall isn’t terrible. He does however seem to have an odd predilection towards believing in absurd fairy tales of how the world works.
Bruce – Bar none, he is the second most rage filled person I know and has multiple times advocated legalizing personal combat. On a good day he’s not a bad guy, but you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.
Wayne – The most seasoned member of our group, he’s a man who loves his gadgets. He generally knows what he’s talking about, but old age is just starting to set in and his hearing is not what it used to be (with hilarious consequences).
Arthur – This motherfucker. Much like his namesake, he’s completely useless and vastly irritating. I don’t think anyone actually likes this tool, but I could be wrong. He’s got a completely off the wall health obsession that he worships like a religion and will cram down your throat every chance he gets.
Logan – Surprisingly, he’s one of the few that doesn’t make me RAGEFACE all over the place. Unfortunately due to some personal events in his life, his mind and memory aren’t what they used to be.
Mutley – To quote a rather obscure flash video, “I want all of her balls to die.” She is by far the worst human being (assuming she even qualifies as a sentient being) that I have ever had the displeasure of coming across.
Juggernaut – Mutley’s sidekick and partner in crime. She’ll pretend she doesn’t like Mutley, but anything you say to her will almost immediately find its way to Mutley’s ear. A woman with no redeeming qualities. She’s also fat.
Pamela – A recent addition to our nuthouse. I knew her way back when and lost contact between then and now. She’s… not acquitted herself well in that time, unfortunately. Possibly unstable, but further observation is required.
Harley – Easily the most selfish, self-important, officious asshole there. I avoid dealing with this one at all costs because it seems her sheltered life has made her believe she is the most important person in the whole universe.
As you may have already noticed, with a few exceptions all the names come from the secret identities of various comic book heroes and villains. You’ll also note that I’ve named the company as if it were an institution of higher learning. That’s because in some ways I see it as such. I go there 5 days a week and I learn the depths of human idiocy and depravity. I’ve had bad jobs before where I’ve run across some dumb motherfuckers, but nothing like this. I worked for an insurance company several years ago and I used to think they were just terrible, but now I long to work with that group. Many of them may have been a bit slow on the uptake, but goddamn, they could do their jobs without engaging in massive amounts of shenanigans. And when I was left in charge of those people, I could rely on them to follow direction and do what needed to be done. I would sooner trust a room full of angry, rabid ferrets than most of my current coworkers if it came down to helping me get shit done. Goddamn, son!
I’ve got several stories brewing in my head, so I’m just going to post this intro and start drafting the first two entries in what I’m sure will be an ongoing series. Look for at least the first one before week’s end.